Tuesday, January 14, 2014


There's a woman I regularly Facebook stalk (oh, be quiet. You know you do it too) who commented on something the other day with "We're expecting again, so blah blah blahdeblah blah" Now, I'm not completely obtuse. Of course I know, when used in that context, 'expecting' means pregnant.
But why does it make sense to us?
Whenever someone tells me (or I read it illicitly on their Facebook that's not set to private) that they're expecting, all I can think is "expecting what?"
Well, we're expecting a baby, but we might get a puppy instead? I expect to become a mother, but I might decide to be a rock star in nine months instead?
I mean, seriously.
Why this simple phrase, used as a euphemism by so many so we can all pretend if we sit around and expect babies we don't have to actually have sex or use science or whatever and no one has to be made uncomfortable with their knowledge of our private sexytime habits and lack of reliable birth control, annoys me so much, I cannot say.
But I think it has something to do with the fact that pregnancy skeeves me out.
Fetuses, to me, look like watery aliens. 3D images, which expecting parents are ridiculously proud of, are even worse. It was bad enough when it was a black square with some wavy and mostly unidentifiable white and gray blobs that we all had to pretend impressed us.
But seeing it in sepia, with the features clear and obvious? That's creepy to me.
Also, when a woman is nearing the end of her due date, there are times you can actually see the baby moving under her stretched-taut skin. Again, that's creepy.
I'm not prudish. I don't mind hearing about people's unproductive sex lives. The minute you add unborn babies to the mix, though, I'm out.
Pregnancy is a disgusting but natural business that's carried out by slightly less than half the world's population. I myself have been in said condition two times. Both times, I avoided talking about all the shit things pregnancy does to a woman's body. I avoided letting people touch my expanding midriff. I avoided spending time with other pregnant people.
I'm sure I'm not the only person who is completely weirded out by this lifegiving process. But what I do know is that many more people think it's awesome and amazing and even sexy.
I'm expecting to never change my opinion of pregnancy, and the very fact that I find myself in the minority on this is bananas to me.